Anata Wo Aishiteru, Hahaue
by Evil Triumphs
Summary: Hyuuga Hinata has recieved a letter in the mail regarding her mother, the one person she never wanted to see again. Yet again, her mother is disturbing the relative peace she has so diligently worked to keep in her life. She should be used to it by now, shouldn't she?


**Anata Wo Aishiteru, Hahaue**

_**Part I**_

"_I ...understand how a parent might hit a child- it's because you can look into their eyes and see a reflection of yourself that you wish you hadn't." _

― _Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper_

_The wounded recognized the wounded." _

― _Nora Roberts, Rising Tides_

I close my door and bit down hard on my lower lip. I stare at the letter that came in the mail this morning and also bore okaa-san's name on and leaned against the back of the door and slid down. Okaa-san is dead…well, to me she is. She is now. I close my eyes tight and hold the letter just as tight. Should I open it? Will it be worth it if I do? Why did this letter have to come now that I've become content with the relative peace in my life? She did always have a way of inconveniencing me without really knowing it or even meaning to. I bit my lip and silently curse her in her nonexistent grave. How did they know I was even related to her? I erased myself from her emergency contact list and everything. Why is her ghost haunting me? I just want to forget her and my past. I'd rather not delve back into that part of my life. I just want to let go. But even so, no matter how much I'll hate and resent her, she'll always be my mother. And no matter how shitty of a mother she was, I'll forever be her daughter; her unfortunate and formerly-unwanted daughter. I peel the sealing of the small envelope off and swallow the thick wad of saliva in my throat. Once done, I slip the letter out of the envelope and unfold it. It read:

_To:_

_Hyuuga Hinata,_

_We, Kaede Hospital, the finest Institution for the mentally disabled in Osaka, have moved your mother, Hyuuga Meiko, to the E.O.L. division of the hospital. She is suffering from the final stages of Asbestosis and is nearing the end of her life. On her request, we have contacted you and have made you aware of her current condition. Also, on her behalf we invite you to come see her in her final days. Please consider this and have a nice day. _

_Director of the E.O.L. Division,_

_Senju Tsunade_

So, she's been moved to the End of Life division? If that's not bad enough, she wants me to come see her. I think I would have preferred it I she was asking me for money to feed an unhealthy addiction. I don't want to see her but all the same she's my mother. I should be jumping with joy; in less than two months, I'll be rid of one of my darkest daemons. I walk into the kitchen and pull out of bottle of Asti to celebrate.

_**XxEvil TriumphsxX**_

Today I'm taking a day off and I told my boss I was going to see my mother before I left the house. He said he understood and for me to take it easy. I drove to the to the Yamanaka family's flower shop to get some flowers; blue bells, to be specific. Back when I was a child, they were her favourite.

**Flashback 23 years ago**

"_Hinata," Mother called me over to her side in the meadow of flowers. I ran over and stood next to her. She was painting a picture of the landscape on the canvas she brought with her. She laid her paint brush down on the crook of the easel put the paint down on the ground. Her indigo hair shined in the afternoon sun and flowed down to her back stopping at her tail bone. Her skin fair and it seemed to glow. Today she decided to wear a white sundress despite the fact that she knew she would be painting and would probably spill the fine oils on it. When we got here she tugged her large white sunhat on my head and asked me to hold on to it for her. Naturally, I couldn't say 'no'. "Come here sweetheart." She said pulling me close to her. Her hands were warm and comforting but she just didn't know that she was touching my bruised arm. _

"_Ouch," I hissed and pulled away and held my arm. She looked concerned but I know she isn't too worried about me. If she cared that much, I bet she could have stopped it from happening. _

"_Gomen," She said approaching in a far more careful fashion. She held her hand out for me to take. I glared at it for a couple of seconds but took it anyway just to make her happy. And then, I wonder: Will I spend the rest of my life doing things 'just to make her happy'? I hope not. If so, then that will be a very pitiable existence. She pulls me up into her arms and holds me tight. I could see things much better with this view. "You see those blue flowers over in the distance?" She asked me pointing in a far off direction. There were blue flowers there that hung down. They remind me of a sinner at a monastery praying for forgiveness. I nod my head. She beams at me and her laugh lines stick out like a sour apple now. "I knew you would, my little sunshine. They're called blue bells. I love them; they're my favourite. You know why?" I shake my head. "It's because they symbolize humility." That's a new word. I scrunch my face up in confusion._

"_Humility," I said aloud to myself. She giggled and nodded her head._

"_That's right. I know you're only five but you're quite intelligent. So, I expect you to pick up on these things rather quickly."_

"_What do you mean okaa-san? What things are you talking about?" I asked her. Those were the first full sentences I had conjured all day._

"_I'm talking about your vocabulary; the ability to process, learn and retain language, no matter which one is a rather difficult feat. I know you can understand this, so this is why I'm telling you. Be sure not to forget the things I tell you, my little sunshine. They could help you later in life." I nod my head in comprehension. "Good, I'll tell you what the word humility means now. Listen carefully: The word humility means (to make this as simplistic as possible) modesty or lowliness." _

"_Humility means to be modest." I rebound back to her. She smiles at the fact that I listened to her. Things like that make her happy, I suppose. _

"_That's exactly right little sunshine." She said smiling off into the distance. "One of these days the world will be able to see just how bright of a light you have." And this is when I began to feel as if she was talking more to herself than me._

**End of Flash Back**

Not too long after that, my mother rapidly began to lose her mind. I can't say I blame her, though. She had to give her dreams of being a painter up to a man she thought she had loved at the time. She could have left at any time she wanted to and fulfill her dreams; and that was exactly what she did. She left me as well as my father to live the life she had always wanted to. I pulled up to the empty parking lot (no surprise there) and parked in a spot close to the door. I want to say that I won't be here long but there is no guaranteeing such things. Considering the fact that I'm here to see my mother, there's no certainty of my coming out for the next couple of hours. One way or another, she'll find a way to keep me here. She has that kind of effect on the people around her, not excluding me. I get out of the car and slam the door behind me and walk into the large and fairly new-looking building. The inside of the building was far better looking than the outside. They must have just built this place. I've never heard of it before. The older woman at the front desk looked at me as if I was bothering her. I bow my head.

"Good Afternoon, Ma'am." I say politely. She scrunches her face up in a very distasteful manner and licks her chapped lips. "I'm looking for someone." I state half-heartedly. She stares at me with glassy eyes and waits for me to go on. I clear my throat and approach her desk and set the flowers that I bought down. "She goes by the name Hyuuga Meiko." She reacts by rolling her eyes and searching through I bunch of different papers.

"Are you her kid?" She asked in a raspy voice that sounded as if it had been contaminated by too much inhalation of Tabaco. I hesitate and close my eyes. I take a deep breath and open my eyes back up.

"As ashamed as I am to admit it, yes I am." I say to the woman at the desk. I frown at my own words. I sound like a horrible person. Maybe I am a horrible person. Having a mother that is in a mental institution is embarrassing. I wish she were in any other place _but_ here.

"Don't feel too bad, kid. You aren't the only one that has baggage around here. There's nothing to be ashamed about." She said reassuringly. She might be right; I might not have to worry about getting looked at the wrong way just because of my mother's condition, not that I was planning on telling anyone about her in the first place. "You're okaa-san is in room 406 on the fourth floor. The elevator is right behind you." I nod my head, pick up the flowers and go towards the elevator. I walk in and press the number '4' button as the doors close in on me. The machine jolts a little but then lifts up off of the ground. There's no comforting music playing to calm me down in here. I guess they want you to realize the severity of your situation if you're even here. The elevator comes to a stop and makes a dinging noise as it opens. I step outside of it and turn to my left. There are many tall men in white walking around. They must be here to keep the patients under control which is completely understandable. All of the doors were open and some room's lights were off. When I walked by some of them and they seemed to be personalized for the person staying there. I walked on and the numbers went down from 9…8…7…6 and I stopped at the room I was told: Room 406. I stand still, as if waiting for an invitation to come in. I haven't seen mother in almost eleven years. I don't know what I should do or say when I go in there— if I go in there. I probably shouldn't have even come here in the first place. Mother and I are too different to be in the same room for more than thirty minutes. If we are then a fight might break out and the last time I had a fight with her was the last time I saw her. Her door was wide open just like the others. I didn't drive all the way up here for nothing! I wasted gas money on this trip so I have to make it worth _something_! I swallow my pride and lick my lips as I walk into the room.

**Flash Back 23 years ago**

_Mother drove us home an hour ago. We live in a house on the north side of town. It's fairly big, I think. Father has a 'well-paying' job or so Mother says. I think he's a doctor or somethin like that. She said he gives people medicine that makes them feel better and happy. Mother didn't finish her painting yet but she said father was coming home soon so we had to be here before he got home. She said he would be upset if he beat us home. She said he doesn't like it when we leave the house without his permission which is very much true. I don't even go to school, Mother home-schools me. But I would know all about that thought. Last time he got 'upset', he sprained my arm. I don't know why we can't just stay in the house. She can paint things from her imagination and I can make up games that I can play inside the house. I don't mind staying inside. I'd rather be inside the stuffy house instead of getting bruised and injured. I don't understand her; why is she so selfish? She doesn't think of me when she does the things she does. Father never hits her, it's always me. I suppose he does it just to make her angry; somehow hoping hurting me will hurt her more so than I. But I don't think it hurts her that much. She always seems concerned and looks so sad when looking my way. But if she really loved me, she would take us away from here. But she stays it the man that makes her so unhappy. I know it sounds as if I don't love her but that's not true! I love Mother… but not as much as I used to. _

_I remember a time when I used to be happier but not happy all the way through. Father comes home more than he used to so we don't stay out as late as Mother wants anymore. The front door of the house crashes open and Father comes through slamming the door behind him. His hands are in the pockets of one of his many fancy suits that he always wears. Mother and I are in the kitchen; Mother is taking the apple pie she baked out of the oven and I'm sitting at the table practicing drawing blue bells. To be honest, I kind like art. I want to be as good as Mother someday. I hate the thought of being like Mother but it's something I feel I'll want when I grow up. _

"_Meiko," Father said coming into the kitchen. Mother stands up immediately and bows to Father like a servant. _

"_Okaeri," She says to him with a smile. He brushed her off and sat down across from me. "Do you have anything to say to your outo-san little sunshine?" She asked me. I shook my head 'no' and kept drawing. She cleared her throat and cracked her knuckles. She did that whenever she was mad or annoyed. "Well, you should say 'welcome home'. He had a hard day at work. You should greet him properly." She kept talking as she took off her apron. I looked up at her and said nothing. I don't want to look at father; I have no reason to do that. He doesn't like people staring at him anyway. _

"_Is that the dress I just bought you?" Father asked sounding angry and tapping his pointer finger table. My mother stops what she is doing and looks at him._

"_Yes," She said smiling. Her voice sounded worried and strained. She knows that Father is unhappy about something and I know it too. It looks like I'll be going to the hospital again tonight. _

"_There's a stain on it already! Damn woman, do you know how to keep anything right at all?! I give you something nice and you decide to fuck it up!" He yelled at her. He banged his hand on the table and stood up. It didn't scare me at all; he yells and makes loud noises all the time. He swears a lot too. Mother says I shouldn't use words like that and that no one will give me respect me if I use them when I get bigger. I don't believe her. Father uses swear words and a lot of people respect him; some of them and think he's scary. I don't think Father is scary; I think he's just a really big bully._

"_I-I'm sorry, love. I didn't mean to. I was just painting and it was an accident. Please forgive me." She says backing up and holding her hands close to her chest. This is always how it happens. Mother gets scared; backs away and any time Father will smack me. Father gives Mother another angry look before grabbing me by the collar of my dress. I coughed and it was hard to breathe. I think he's trying to choke me which is not very new to me. I take hold of his hand that's slowly trying to strangle me. _

"_Okaa-san, help me." I choked out. I know she won't help me. She'll sit there and cry for me but won't lift a finger. Even though I want her to make him stop, I know she's too scared to do it. She always lets me take the blows for her as if it's my job to do it. _

"_No, don't hurt her! Please love, just let her go." Mother screams and backs up even more. I can't see her that well anymore; I can't see clearly right now. I hope she's not planning on running away right now and leaving me with him. She's done it before when he was doing something just like this. Father doesn't look at her but only glares up at me. I look back at him crying and not breathing much air. His eyes go back to a normal calm look when he looks me in the eye and he lets me go. I fall down on the floor with a loud 'smack' sound and Father walks away. Mother runs to my side and holds me tight in her arms. I don't hug her back because I can't move right now. Even if I could move right now, I wouldn't want to hug her. "Oh, my poor little sunshine," She cried still hugging me and rocking back & forth._

**End of Flash Back**

I woman in a white night gown and flats with flowing coils indigo hair had her back turned to me and was focusing on the canvas she was painting on. She was paint a picture with blue bells with a white ribbon at the top. She turned around at hearing my footsteps. She looked just as young and beautiful as she used to. She hasn't aged a bit and is just as I left her years ago; she's just as courtly as ever. She smiles brightly and stands running over to me.

"Hinata," She said pulling me into a tight hug. She's still hovers at least five to six inches over me. I hold still as she holds me as tight as ever. After at the very least, two minutes of a strangling hug she finally let go of me and put her hands on my shoulders. "How was school my little sunshine? Did you learn anything that I haven't taught you already?" She asked excitedly and with anticipating eyes. Did she just ask how my day was at school? What the hell? It seems she really does need to be in this place. She's lost it.

"School was good, okaa-san. And no, I didn't learn anything new today." I said monotonously. "It seems as though you've taught me everything I know now." I wasn't lying. By the time I was seven years old she'd taught me just about everything that they would teach in school. Of course there were things in mathematics and science that were new but Literature and History were subjects with a matter of repetition. She let me go and examined me with curiosity showing all over her face.

"My goodness, you've grown quite a bit Hinata; and to think that just this morning you were right about here." She said motioning just below her hips. Yea, I was about that height when I was seven. She still thinks I'm a little girl. She left me and Father one morning after she dropped me off at school. After that, I didn't see or hear from here until ten years after when I was seventeen. And then, when I saw her when I was seventeen (like I said before) we had a fight. Looking back, it seemed more like I was yelling at her and she was just taking it calmly. I don't even remember what I yelling at her for but I'm sure it was completely justified. I mean, she's pulled a lot of (please excuse my French) fucked up shit if you know what I'm saying. There are people out there who had it worse than I did but still… I think I have some rights to be angry sometimes. "And look at you now, you've grown your hair out like mine and it's so pretty. Oh and you've gotten taller as well. I guess you're not so 'little' any more, are you sunshine?"

"Yea, I got really big. It's been a while since I've seen you, don't you know?" I said nonchalantly looking into her pale lively eyes. She seems happier than she was back when we lived with Father. She must be happy in here, then. Mother held her stomach and laughed at what I had said. I furrow my brows while looking at her.

"Oh sunshine," She says continuing to laugh. "Seven hours is hardly a while. But your habit of exaggerating is one of your cutest qualities." She reaches out and rubs the top of my head affectionately. I hear a pair of high heels clanking down the hallway and quickly approaching the room. I turn around and see a taller woman come in. She had long light blonde sun-bleached hair that was in two pigtails in the back, eyes a honey brown and she has a pastel purple diamond in the middle of her forehead. She looked young but emanated the air of a noble and wise woman. She looked at us with concern and removed her hands from her moss green doctor's coat.

"Hyuuga-san," She said walking over and bowing. I bow in response still holding onto the flowers I brought.

"'Hinata' will do just fine," I said smiling somewhat apologetically to her. "There is no need to stand on formalities." She smiles back and nods her head to the door.

"Do you mind if Hinata-san and I have a chat in private Meiko-san?" The woman asked. Come to think of it, I haven't even asked this woman's name yet. Mother looked concerned and then turned her gaze upon me.

"Well, I suppose it's alright. But bring her back soon Tsunade-san, I want her to tell me more about her day at school." Mother said smiling now. Tsunade, this must be the director of the E.O.L. Division's director. She's the one who sent me that letter in the mail earlier this morning. I look at my watch to see what time it is; it read: 11:34 A.M. I sigh and follow Tsunade outside of the room. She leads me into an empty room with two chairs and gestures for me to take a seat. I nod my head and sit down putting the flowers on my lap.

"I'm sorry for the inconvenience. I usually would take you into my office to speak in a more private area but your okaa-san is an impatient woman. I know she would have a fit if you were to go away for too long." She stopped and folded her arms around her chest.

"How long as she been here?" I ask without much concern in my voice. I don't really care but I just want to know. I think I'm entitled to at least that much. "And what's wrong with her anyway? She doesn't seem that zany." Tsunade sighed and shook her head.

"Your okaa-san is suffering from an extreme state of dementia." She said gravely. I roll my eyes and lick my dry lips.

"Dementia is a not a specific disease or illness. It's more like a temporary state of insanity. You have to have a more legitimate reason to hold her here. I'm sure there are more people in the world that have a more severe illness then she does. Keeping her here is only wasting space in this institution." I explain in a matter-of-fact tone. She looked at me slightly annoyed at my outburst but still suggested that I'm right. I know I'm right.

"It's not only that but she was also diagnosed with manic depression." She said but I cut her off.

"There's no cure to manic depression. One can be treated but to fully cure it is simply impossible." I say. She smiled crookedly and shook her head.

"Saying something is 'impossible' is a broad statement but I'm guessing that you were the type of child that grew up not believing in Santa Clause or all the magic crap or even miracles of such." She said analyzing me.

"I am a realist." I say. "Okaa-san is also the type of person to not ignore such silly fairytales. I know that she has a simplistic way of thinking, probably even more so than I. But don't think badly of us; you can't confuse realism as a synonym for negativity. The two aren't that similar." I finish shrugging my shoulders. She looked at me as though I needed to be a patient here as well but so shook it off.

"Where you aware," She continued as though the conversation we just held did not occur. I don't blame her. "That your okaa-san was, at one point in time, using hallucinogens?" This is new. I shake my head. That doesn't really surprise me though. Mother has never been on the sane side. "Well, you know now. Because of her use of these drugs it caused her to go into a permanent state of dementia. She has not shown any signs of recovery and on top of that she is in the final state of Asbestosis. She hasn't got much time left." I nod my head. Just like manic depression, Asbestosis has no cure. All there is to do is to sit and wait for death to come and take you. I sigh and run my fingers through my long hair. I hate being in a position like this.

"I am aware Senju-san; I read your letter. It was very kind of you to inform me." I say switching the leg I had crossed to the top. Senju Tsunade smiles curtly at me and shakes her head. I stand up and bow. "I think we're done here, so I'll be taking my leave." A dumbfounded expression adorns her features.

"Wait," She says a little further behind me. "I'm not done speaking with you yet!" I keep walking, pretending as if I don't hear her and walk back into my mother's room. I walk in and sigh heavily.

"I'm back," I say emotionlessly. She smiles and stares at the flowers in awe.

"Are those for me?" She asks still smiling. I nod my head and her smile grows even wider. I hand them to her and she giggles excitedly. "Oh, you always know just what to do to brighten up my day. I was hoping to see you and to have some blue bells in my room. I kept asking nice people around here who take care of me to get me some but they all said that they were busy." I take a seat on the chair near the window. The chair is so dusty that I feel sort of guilty; it was probably waiting to be sat in by a visitor or just about anyone. Perhaps I should have come to see before now.

"Are they treating you well here?" I ask examining my nails. It's something I do when I'm nervous or irritable. Mother was sitting down now and working on her painting. The flowers I'd given her were placed on the bed. I would have thought that there would be a vase or something of the sort around here. But I suppose if no one ever came to visit then there would be no need to have a vase because no one would ever bring you flowers or any gifts, to generalize it all.

"Yes, they're very nice to me here but sometimes it seems as though they get annoyed with me. It's only natural, I guess." I get up from my seat and look at the tubes of paint that she has. I scrunch my nose up and shake my head.

"Why do you have this; you hate Acrylic paint." I say to her in a questioning tone. She shrugs and dips her brush in the water.

"That's all I could get around here. I had to do some digging and snooping around to get it but I suppose it was worth the trouble." She replies zealously. The woman hasn't any shame at all. One shouldn't speak with such fervor about doing such things. When I say she hasn't changed at all, I mean she _really_ hasn't changed, _at all_.

_**XxEvil TriumphsxX**_

I spent a couple more hours with her before I left and headed home. I toss and turn on my soft comfy bed. I can't sleep; my mind is still up and running and it won't let me got to sleep! Why am I doing this to myself? I don't even know. I'm so frustrated with myself. I take a deep breath and try to calm down. Don't worry, not too long from now this will all be over and you can back to your regular everyday life. No I can't. This will stay with me until I can take enough medication to make me forget. It seems they were telling the truth when they said that you can't escape your past. I sluggish climb out of my bed and open the door to my closet to pull out wooden sticks along with a canvas. I flop down on the floor start piecing it together. A long time ago my mother taught me how to stretch a canvas and I've always hated doing it. In case you're wondering why I have the tools to stretch I canvas if I hate it so much then the answer is simple: It's the perfect thing to do on a night you can't get to sleep. And I have a feeling that I'm going to be having more nights like this in the near future.

_**A/N: Lately I've been having problems with my mother and so I thought this story might help me appreciate her more and it turned out to be a story really good so far. I hope you liked the first part of this because there will indeed be a second part to this. I'd appreciate it if you reviewed but feel no pressure to do so. Stay tuned for the second part.**_

_**Evil Triumphs**_


End file.
